Rogue Nonsense
by Pigolion
Summary: A collection of oneshots from multiple Batman universes featuring the Gotham rogues. Planning to not make it all shippy but ships include-Harlivy, Scriddler, and more to be added.
1. An Unusual Christmas

Soft Christmas music was humming through the old fashioned radio Harley had received from Ozzie on her birthday. Unfortunately, that and the remains of a candy cane melting away in her hot cocoa were the only signs that Christmas was almost upon them in their cramped apartment.

Harley surveyed the living room, hands on her hips. The walls were bare, save for the nasty looking vines slowly crawling up the walls. There was no point celebrating Christmas if she couldn't decorate, was there?

Last year, right before that shopping spree with Bruce Wayne, Harley had begged Red to get a tree to celebrate the season. To say she threw a fit would be an understatement. However, she hadn't said anything about lights, had she? Or tinsel. Or ornaments. Or candles.

She set down her cocoa, a wide grin spreading across her face. So much to do, so little time.

Pamela walked into her and Harley's shared apartment, a mere five hours after she had first left to run a few 'errands'. Based on the display she saw, Pam couldn't help but wonder if she was currently under the influence of Jonathan Crane's infamous toxin.

Festive lights were on display on almost every inch of flat surface in the apartment. In addition to that, tinsel was strewn in unlikely places, such as the TV, ceiling fan, and Harley's own balance beam. As Pamela dropped her bag in shock, it knocked aside a few errant decorative ornaments.

"Ta-da!" Harley yelled, leaping from behind their sofa. She was wearing two Santa hats that had been sewn together in a good imitation of her usual harlequin hood. The hats had bells attached to the tip, which jingled as Harley tiptoed her way across the fiercely decorated room.

"Our bedroom looks even _betta_'." Harley insisted. "D'ya like it?"

'Like' was an understatement. Dr. Pamela Isley was not a woman well known for her composure, a reputation gained over years of murdering men and women who dared to get in her way, or pissed her off.

With Harley, though, she could be better. She _had_ to be better.

"I love it." she lied through her teeth. Harley beamed and leapt forward to kiss her. Pamela held up a finger before their lips could make contact. "However, if there is even a _trace_ of tinsel in this house come December 26th, I will not be held responsible for my actions."

Harley rolled her eyes and pushed forward to kiss her girlfriend.


	2. Insecurities

Jonathan Crane was asleep.

He had been sleeping since around 3 AM that morning to well into midday, and Edward Nygma was tired of waiting.

Prodding the taller man did nothing to wake him, neither did stealing the blankets, shaking him, and eventually calling his name repeatedly. At this point, Edward was half sure Jonathan was sleeping out of pure spite.

He could only lay there and watch the man's skeletal frame rise and fall steadily for so long, and Edward was practically buzzing with the boredom of sitting still. So at exactly 12:16 pm, Edward left Jonathan Crane's bedroom in a hunt for something to do. For a brief moment, he fantasized cooking Jonathan breakfast in bed, a sort of taste of domestic simplicity that neither man was accustomed to.

The fantasy betrayed him as soon as he stepped foot into Jonathan's kitchen.

The floor was crusted with every manner of crumb and stain that inhabited the known universe, and probably a few more besides. The counter and sink were piled near ceiling high with dirty dishes, and Edward could see a roach, a literal roach skittering across the sink. Gagging, he reflexively took a few steps back.

Though Jonathan probably wouldn't appreciate his interference, there was no way in hell Edward would allow his on and off lover to keep such a disgusting kitchen. Unfortunately, to even begin exterminating the roaches, Edward needed a few tools, namely a very strong exterminator and bleach, that Jonathan didn't seem to keep in his kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, or any other part of the cramped apartment. Jonathan probably kept a number of chemical compounds that could kill any bacteria in his laboratory, but Edward wasn't fool enough to venture there. So eventually, after what came close to an hour long search, Edward was forced to concede that he would be taking a trip to the grocery store this morning. With a sigh, he grabbed his jacket and shoes and cranked open Jonathan's front door. Behind him, someone cleared their throat.

"Leavin' already?" Jonathan asked. He had seemingly crept silently out of his bedroom and was now standing a few feet behind Edward, wearing only a worn pair of boxers.

Edward chuckled. "Only stepping out for a can of roach spray and some bleach for your...frankly abhorrent kitchen. Don't worry, I'll be back to grace my beautiful scarecrow with my presence soon enough."

Jonathan's expression had shifted while he was speaking, lines around his mouth growing somewhat more tight with disbelief. "Ah. Don't let me stop your walk of shame."

Edward closed the door behind him. "Don't be like that." he scoffed. "I wouldn't willingly walk out on a man with such good stamina as you displayed last night." he teased gently.

Jonathan turned away, expression unreadable. A psychology degree and years of practice as a doctor and career criminal had given Crane almost complete mastery of his poker face, but his posture could be easier to read. Specifically, turning around to leave the room in the middle of a conversation.

"Jonathan." Edward said. "I wasn't going to just leave." Jonathan ignored this, choosing to walk back into his bedroom in dignified silence. Edward followed him, stalling at the doorway as he tried to think of what to say.

"I think of you as more than a good lay, Professor Crane." he began, after a moment's hesitation. Jonathan was still facing away, pulling on a t-shirt as he ignored Edward's somewhat pompous speech. "I would never degrade myself to form such an attachment to someone who is unable to almost match my intelligence, Jonathan."

Jonathan smirked now, finally facing Edward again. "Seems like our 'attachment' didn't do anything to puncture that ego of yours, Edward."

Edward rolled his eyes, despite his internal relief. "I'm allowed to feel superior to a man with as many dirty dishes as you."


	3. Rainbow Socks

"Before we start today's sessions, I got you something." Doctor Quinzel was the picture of professionality as she passed the package into reach of the Joker's manacled hands. He cocked his head curiously, regarding Harley's posture. She was sitting unaturally still, stiller than she had been in the past. The beginnings of a smile were tugging at the corner of her mouth as she watched him with her full attention. From her subtle body language, she might as well be bouncing up and down in excitement. The potential for something great was inside her, if she could only throw away the silly 'morals' and this persona she had created to get by in life. He took the package carefully, giving her a wide smile. She grinned in response and he felt a rush of satisfaction. Tearing into the package easily, he threw aside the wrapping paper to reveal a pair of rainbow socks.

"Well, gee doc! It's just what I always wanted." he purred. Harley let out a light squeal and rocked back in her chair, lifting up a pant leg to reveal her own pair of rainbow socks.

"I got myself a pair too, so we could be matching."

The harsh cackle heard from Joker's cell made the hair on most people's arms, namely the two armed guards standing watch, but not Harley. Though he laughed often, there was something special of being the crime prince's cause for such hysteria that caused her to tilt her head back and laugh as well.


End file.
